Let’s get straight to the point. I am an empath – as freaky and unnatural as it sounds – it is true.
Google who an empath is and you will know. Most of us empaths have had a troubling past maybe the ability was always there but it needed the worst as the only coping yet defense mechanism we have for it to manifest. Anyway, I am full blown empath – still learning but I do not doubt my abilities.
Anyway, lately, I consciously chose to deal with my trauma, like layers of an onion, one layer after the other, I kept dealing with it, crying over it, grieving it, accepting it and letting it go. Forgiving myself, forgiving others and accepting everything that happened. The ultimate lesson that the journey of life teaches us is that human beings are flawed. That there are moments, fleeting maybe, but moments when we are truly honest and once the moment passes, the masks come up and we lose the sight of what matters until one day it all comes crushing down.
I have never had the luxury financially or otherwise to travel much. I finally decided to give myself the gift of a 10 day long holiday in Goa where I could at least fulfill one of my resolutions – make my ideas a reality. This would be the ultimate manifestation of a reality I had never thought possible – the ultimate realization of a dream I had dreamt at age 16 lying on bed for at least 6 months staring at orange coloured walls while undergoing abuse that at the time would be perpetual.
No matter what happened I did what I wanted finally 14 years later. At least one of the ideas manifested into reality. Maybe now the cycle of hatred would stop. But you know what, things on the outside no matter where you travel in the world, feel pretty much the same you feel on the inside.
I absorb people’s pain unintentionally. In scientific terms, I empathise with people’s pain to the extent that I am tormented. My travel partner was badly hurt. I couldn’t make the most of my trip but I still loved the fact that I could do what I put my mind to.
There is a Goa for everyone. The Goa for Konkans, the Goa for Foreigners, the Goa for Indian tourists and the Goa for travelers not just tourists. I was a traveler. I drove around each and every nook and corner of North Goa exploring the steep pathways, the landscape, the taste of the local tea, the shacks, the Konkans, the Maharashtrians, their dialects, their foods.
I met a bunch of wonderful people – each flawed in his/her own way which makes them evern more human and more beautiful both inside and out. Some more special than others. I read the quote, ‘The Traveler Travels The World In Search Of What He Seeks And He Returns Home To Find It.’
I disagree. The traveler finds a home wherever he goes. Ever since I have returned, I have literally and metaphorically fallen in love with the place. It’s not because of the cheap alcohol, the gentle breeze and the roaring waves at the beach or the buzzing crowds or ample shopping options or even the food – for the first time in my life, of all the places I have been – this is where it truly felt like home.
When I left for the trip, I believed I would not come back alive – the nerves were at their peak. Now that I have, I realize it was true. A part of me died in Goa – the part that did not know anything except to live one day at a time – the part that did not have hope for a future but had made peace with the present.
Now that I have returned, my wanderlust has finally manifested. I need to leave and start afresh and explore more. I need – not that I want or I desire to – I crave – I need to get out from this place and move to this state and finally do what I want to at least at this stage in my life – write. Finish my books.
In fact, tbh, I would not have returned if I did not have obligations to fulfill. Finally, in my life, I have the passion to finish everything that is holding me back and start afresh – maybe by the end of September 2017.
I hope I can do it because this is the first time in fourteen years that I feel the passion I do to do something that is highly likely to add value to me. Of course, where I come from, this is the most unnatural fancy and escapist thing to do. However, it does not matter, because my decision comes from a place of conviction and clarity. I plan to proceed with clarity of thought and deliberate action before taking the plunge. Once I do, it’s no more thinking, simply living it.
Wish me the best!